Logan Patrick
It has been five years since we said goodbye to our baby knowing that he would be joining his brother in Heaven. Actually it was five years back in January that we were given the devastating news that this pregnancy was not unlike our first and the chances of survival are less than 1% and they were 99.9% sure of the diagnosis. With our first son (1995) we were blissfully unaware of the tragedy we would soon be facing but with our last son (2002) we were armed with knowledge. The only thing that did for us was give us the 'option' of terminating the pregnancy (which was covered up by a big fancy word and I think legally they had to give that option--what's best for the mothers physical/mental health at this point). Funny though they gave this option/procedure as they called it, at another location, a Methodist hospital across town. Why did my Catholic hospital not offer this 'procedure' since I was already a patient there. I soon realized that the big fancy word they used actually meant termination of pregnancy. Makes you wonder why they don't just come out and say you should murder your baby because he'll die anyway! Would they even dream of telling a cancer patient that they should give up because they are going to die anyway!?
The choices were given to us and we returned home to 'think about it' but they reassured us that the sooner the decision was made the better for both mother and child. To me and my husband there was no choice. How could I play "God" and decide when the life of this precious baby should be taken!!? God blessed us with this child and like for us all he will decide when to bring us home again. I wasn't thinking of gee am I going to have this baby or not, I was thinking of how I was going to explain all this to my then 4 and almost two year old. How would I explain to them that the baby they asked Jesus to give us was going to live in Heaven instead of with us on earth.
The doctor's reassured me that the 'procedure' was safe (thinking: safe for who...do you know the outcome here?) and they set up an appointment for me right away. I was to meet at Riverside Hospital at 6am to prepare for 'surgery'. It all happened so fast. I was bombarded with this news and questions from all corners. Our family and friends wanted what was best for us, thinking I needed to do what was best for us, as a family. I had two small children I had to think about. Would I want to risk MY health and risk my girls growing up without a mother. Would I DO this to my husband, have him raise these girls on his own?!
Some people didn't say anything. Some made it obvious that 'early demise' was the best choice for mother and baby. Some prayed with me. Some avoided me. And then there was our pastor at the time, Father Lutz. He guided us in the right direction and instead of carrying our 'cross' for us, he taught us how best to carry it and carry on. God 'chose' us. How special was that? God gave me this precious child that only I could hold for the short time he was mine.
Needless to say we canceled the appointment that I think they were pushing on me. We never once thought of abortion...let's be honest here, that's what it would have been. No matter how you say it or what technical name you give it, it would have still been abortion. We waited from Monday January 21st until Saturday March 16th. That seemed like a long time and at the same time not nearly enough time. That was 55 days. 8 weeks. 2 months! We did what we could in the short time we had together. And like Fr Lutz said, "you need to love this baby to death." Seems like harsh words but there was nothing else to do. I needed to give this baby a lifetime of love in a short time frame.
My darling Logan, I know you are watching over us and keeping very busy some days more than others watching over your siblings and cousins. Thank you God for the many blessing in my life, including the children you have chosen to be with you.
The choices were given to us and we returned home to 'think about it' but they reassured us that the sooner the decision was made the better for both mother and child. To me and my husband there was no choice. How could I play "God" and decide when the life of this precious baby should be taken!!? God blessed us with this child and like for us all he will decide when to bring us home again. I wasn't thinking of gee am I going to have this baby or not, I was thinking of how I was going to explain all this to my then 4 and almost two year old. How would I explain to them that the baby they asked Jesus to give us was going to live in Heaven instead of with us on earth.
The doctor's reassured me that the 'procedure' was safe (thinking: safe for who...do you know the outcome here?) and they set up an appointment for me right away. I was to meet at Riverside Hospital at 6am to prepare for 'surgery'. It all happened so fast. I was bombarded with this news and questions from all corners. Our family and friends wanted what was best for us, thinking I needed to do what was best for us, as a family. I had two small children I had to think about. Would I want to risk MY health and risk my girls growing up without a mother. Would I DO this to my husband, have him raise these girls on his own?!
Some people didn't say anything. Some made it obvious that 'early demise' was the best choice for mother and baby. Some prayed with me. Some avoided me. And then there was our pastor at the time, Father Lutz. He guided us in the right direction and instead of carrying our 'cross' for us, he taught us how best to carry it and carry on. God 'chose' us. How special was that? God gave me this precious child that only I could hold for the short time he was mine.
Needless to say we canceled the appointment that I think they were pushing on me. We never once thought of abortion...let's be honest here, that's what it would have been. No matter how you say it or what technical name you give it, it would have still been abortion. We waited from Monday January 21st until Saturday March 16th. That seemed like a long time and at the same time not nearly enough time. That was 55 days. 8 weeks. 2 months! We did what we could in the short time we had together. And like Fr Lutz said, "you need to love this baby to death." Seems like harsh words but there was nothing else to do. I needed to give this baby a lifetime of love in a short time frame.
My darling Logan, I know you are watching over us and keeping very busy some days more than others watching over your siblings and cousins. Thank you God for the many blessing in my life, including the children you have chosen to be with you.
posted by Susan | 7:12 AM
1 Comments:
Thank you for sharing this, Susan. I still can't believe the shock I felt, knowing how the medical community pushed you into an abortion and then didn't support you after you denied it. (And we had no idea while it was going on! We found out when you told us a few years later!) God has indeed "chosen" you and what a lovely inspiration you are to mothers and to those of us who have sat the life/choice fence. Had you chosen differently, my friend, the impact on my life - and perhaps the lives of my future children - would have been so much different. Thank you for being so brave and so faithful to what God asked of you.
{{hugs}}
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